You discover joy and fear can coexist within you, not for moments but for minutes, hours and days together. A baby shakes up your insides, well literally during pregnancy, and continues to do so even after arriving in the world outside. Your life feels so out of control but complete. It really is a strange cocktail of feelings.
After all the initial noise, you settle down into your routine with the baby, and cry. Everyone has gone back to normal life. Your parents and in-laws are back to their lives and come to spend time "only when he is awake", your husband goes back to his work, everyone returns to at least some part of their "normal" life, whereas you are left home with your first child. You may have read a 100 books, but the truth is you have no ***king clue if you're doing the right thing. You discover trust. Trust in yourself. Your baby affirms your trust, by pooping and sleeping right. Simple rewards for a tough life.
Life goes on. Everyday, you look for change. A simple smile or gurgle makes you feel on the top of the world. Every day that passes is a single more day he has grown up. A single more day that you've been a good mom. A great mom, actually. I'm proud of myself.
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